If there’s something worse than losing the love of your life, I can’t think of what it could be.
Just thinking that that might happen feels devastatingly sad. I can feel my body collapse.
I’m remembering the loss of a relationship that I thought was the most important one of my life, at the time.
Those losses left me traumatized for decades. So, if that’s where you are, I understand.
Looking back, I wished that I had reached out for professional help right away, and for as long as it took, to get my zest for life back.
For a long time, I resisted even the phrase “love of my life“ because it was so painful.
When I finally did find a therapist to help me unravel this grief and loss, the course of that took a very specific path.
Now, I’m not thinking that everyone’s recovery from a relationship break up will look just like mine. I know there will be some common elements.
This was years ago, so bear with me. Here’s how it went.
I found a therapist I liked and trusted (very important part).
I started processing a most recent separation, spending plenty of time, blaming my ex.
After I worked my way through that, I was able to begin to see some of my own patterns of anger, disappointment, and distancing.
Feeling some relief about that loss, I moved my way backward to other losses and betrayals.
I learned that some of the ways I had coped with childhood issues were not working in my adult life, like keeping quiet, avoiding conflict and putting up with less than I deserved.
Your losses may be different. Loved ones leave or die even if we do everything right. It’s not your fault.
Your needs in recovering from loss may be very different than mine, but there are some things we probably all need.
- Someone to listen.
- Emotional support.
- Someone to put this loss in the context of our whole life, to help us see that there is more than today, this week, this painful month.
- Someone to see you now.
- Someone to see you into your future.
- I made my way into my future. Fell in love again.
Learned to see love and life for the joys, the ups and downs that grow us into the person we want to be.
I found a new relationship that is now an old relationship, 18 years and counting.
This new love is better than that old love-of-my life in so many ways. I’m better too. More wisdom, more relationship skills, more resilience.
If you can believe in that, you have a better chance of creating it.
Want help in living through your loss and making room in your life for the new you?
Sign up for a free 20 minute consultation today or send me an email.
I have room in my schedule for you.
Lisa Yaeger, LPC